Battling with the "WHY?!'s"

"Why?!"

In a state of shock, I stared at the blank computer screen. "WHY did God just allow that to happen?!" I wasn't expecting anyone to answer. I really didn't want anyone, too. I mean, there was absolutely NOTHING anyone could say that could soften the blow of the fate I sentenced my story. All I could think of was all my hard work and all the hours I spent....now wasted. The words, sentences and paragraphs of precious, yet painful memories, that I had poured all my heart and soul into.....were gone forever. With one, swift, fatal keystroke and a push of the backspace button, I sent my story off to its eternal grave in cyberspace. My mind was blank; blank and empty like the mocking, newly white blog page that eerily stared back at me. "Why?!" I whined......louder this time; wanting no one else but God himself to give me a personal,verbal answer. From behind me, I got my answer. "Maybe He wants you to do it better." My body felt the sting and weight of words that I felt but didn't audibly hear. Stupid, klutzy, worthless..... can't......can't......can't. I looked to my wise 13 year old son. "How can I write it AGAIN? I can't...." It was then, through my storm of disappointment, heartbreak, and doubt, my heart heard His voice......"YOU can't......but I can......"

When an advertising sign displaying the newest DVD went up in the entrance of Walmart bearing an animated lion and its cub.....I gasped and clapped my hands like the little kid I truly am! The kids and I were biting at the bit until the day we could own one of our favorite Disney movies on disc so we could at last retire our old, worn out 16 year old VHS version. This was my daughters first Disney movie. She was a sweet, adorable, stubby, two year old when we first bought "The Lion King" and I can still hear our VCRs mechanical whirling noise as the movie would rewind over and over again. My princess girl loved her "King"; her affectionate nickname for both the movie and the stuffed Simba she got for her birthday. All lions to her were "King" and a visit to the zoo one summer brought her pointing and wiggling excitedly in her stroller when we came to the lion enclosure. "King! King! King!" she'd shout, pointing and looking back at her dad and I, amazed at the huge, life-sized version of Simba. A beautiful lion with a gorgeous, full, shaggy mane walked right up to the glass, as if to personally greet his biggest fan....a breathtaking sight.......awing me and thrilling my daughter! I didn't know it at the time...but God had special plans for our family and valuable lessons for me to learn...and "King" was to be part of it.

Best friends and an inseperable duo!

Why?!......digging deep........

As a young mom in my twenties, my little family consisted of my husband and I and our long awaited baby girl. The Lord made us wait for two years before having our little princess girl. For me, it felt like two long years of war; battles that consisted of crying, pleading, deal making and praying flat on my face in front of my Savior. Babies seemed to be everywhere....except where I felt one needed to be.....in my arms. This was the beginning of my wrestling's with the "Why?!'s" I felt in my young life I had paid my dues in the pain and suffering category and I was entitled to a ticket on the "Easy Train". I felt what I wanted, I deserved, so when I thought the Lord was resounding a loud "NO" to fulfilling my desire for a baby, I kicked and screamed in rebellion. I never was (and still am!) one to accept the "no" word. "Where there's a will...there's a way" and, as my husband will attest to, I have a pretty strong will! My will had to be broken, and it had to be changed to His will. It sure wasn't easy....and it didn't help I was a stubborn mule kicking violently the whole way! The Lord saw my struggle and introduced me to a woman at church through our pastor who knew exactly what I was feeling and what I was going through. Even though we were separated by time, and I could only see her through God's written word, she became a good friend to me. I cried with her as I read her story of struggle, faith and triumph. We shared the same pain and it amazed me that though thousands of years separated us....Hannah and I...... we were the same. It encouraged me as I spent time with her to discover that the Lord heard her cry. He gave my bible friend not only the desire of her heart, a child, but He also went above and beyond and blessed her with more! Years later, I now see the Lord chose to close my womb to prepare me for a life time of being stretched and pulled to mold me to be the woman He desires me to be. I never received my ticket for the "Easy Train" but, I did receive the desire of my heart, my sweet, baby girl, Kelsey.

Why?!.......digging deeper.....

Crying, I held my screaming and thrashing 2 year old daughter in the air, "What is WRONG with you?!?!?!" I was just about to angrily shake her, when the nurse walked in. Startling me.... being caught in the act of doing the unthinkable and startling her....locking eyes with a wild-eyed crazy woman at her brink. We stood in uncomfortable silence for a few moments both realizing she had just saved my daughter from my anger and frustration and saved myself from a lifetime of regret. Over the yelling and screaming the nurse
suggested bringing in a TV and VCR. Trying to compose myself and feeling like a beaten, submissive dog, I nodded an ok. She returned a short while later with the TV and VCR on a cart, and two movies in hand....."Beauty and the Beast" and "Lion King". As the nurse

plugged in the TV for us, I adjusted the blanket around my daughters naked, squirming body. I wished I could put something warmer on her. Wearing only a diaper and an I.V. drip, I bundled her as best as I could and laid with her on the fold out chair I made into a bed for us. The nurse put in the first movie and as the familiar music played, I could feel my daughters body begin to slowly relax. Her swollen, red, tear-streaked face looked up to meet mine. I noticed her glassy, bloodshot eyes as she smiled a crooked smile. Clumsily, she lifted her unsteady, chubby arm and with a shaky finger, tried to point to the t.v screen. My heart shattered into a million pieces as my most prized possession, the desire of my heart, attempted to say her friends name, "King" and all that came out was a slurred mumble...........                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                

Why?!.....The struggle.........

One morning, out of the blue, my daughter was riddled with seizures. In the hospital, she went from a drooling, limp, doll to a raging she hulk when the nurse administered Dilatin, a strong anti-seizure medication. Her violent reaction scared us and loudly proclaimed that either she was overdosed or was experiencing a severe reaction. "WHY?!" screamed loudly in my head as the doctors explained their findings, a seizure disorder. I was filled with anger and disgust as healthy children giggled and ran past our door in the hospital hallway. As we took our baby girl home, not being able to talk, walk or sit up on her own, clueless as to whether it were temporary or permanent, the "WHY?!'s" plagued my soul. I had forgotten God's grace and the journey I had traveled just a few short years before. Now, like those forgetful children of Israel, I was consumed with "me" and forgot to trust my Savior and His plan. Part of me was still waiting for that "Easy Train" and that privileged seat on board complete with a life time boarding pass! To have to go through painful and uncomfortable things just seemed......so unfair!


Why?! What the Bible says......


During those times of "Why?!", I pictured God, arms crossed, looking down on me in disappointment and frustration......punishing me! Wasn't I a good girl? Shouldn't being "good" be rewarded, not punished? Isaiah 64:6 says, "But we are as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags...." and I John 1:8 calls me out by saying "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves.." Digging deeper, I find comfort in Romans 8-28 & 29 and it promises that all things work together for good. All encompasses everything; the good, the bad and the ugly. My picture of with God standing up in heaven with His arms folded and looking down on me with this stern, emotionless face, couldn't be farther from the truth. I found my favorite childhood verse paints a more truthful picture focusing on the first three words...."For God so loved" and John 11:35 & 36 can be summed up into two powerful words, "Jesus wept". When we are going through tough times, Jesus weeps with us. It pains Him to see His children suffering, but through painful and uncomfortable situations, comes faith, strength and growth changing us from what my mother-in-law likes to say....."From a weak, little Weeping Willow to a big, strong tree!"

Why?!.... What the Lord showed me.........

The Lord uses difficult times to mold, shape and grow us. He is ever present...even in the midst of the storm! As He shined the spotlight into the dark areas of my memory, beautiful, little miracles sparkled and glimmered like diamonds in its glow! I wasn't abandoned and alone in the hospital. Sending the nurse, at just the right, precise time, saving me from a life time of regret, was by my Saviours hand. Making sure my daughter's favorite movie was there, a miracle to behold, a gift from the King. Cradled in the arms of her Abba Father, my sick little girl was comforted and soothed through Her Creator's touch and her favorite lion cub. Why the "WHY?! 's"? My deleted story and my son's quote comes to mind..."He wants you to do it better." He wants us to be big, strong trees!

Dedicated to the "desire of my heart"!  :)