Monsters....not just for Halloween!

Startled awake, my little heart pounded with the loud "THUD!" that came from the other side of my room.  I knew immediately what it was.  It was that dog gone attic door again!  I hated that attic, and I always wondered why me?  Why did it have to be in my room! Even in broad daylight this little attic (that stored an ordinary, hodge podge of items like Halloween costumes, out-grown clothes and old toys) was spooky; complete with a dank, musty smell, creepy, low ceiling and total lack of artificial light.  There were no hinges, latches or handles on this door; it was just a cut-out that fit like a puzzle piece into the entry of this eerie, monster lair.  An important door like this one missing all its valuable hardware was alarming to me.  It was an open invitation giving whatever monster that was living inside the attic attached to my room...easy and effortless access to eat me any time he wanted.   I pulled my blankets tight under my chin and with large eyes, I held my breath.  To scream or not to scream....that was the question!

 As I teetered back and forth as to which plan was best, I dared myself to sneak a peek to see exactly what pushed the door down.  Keeping my covers tight, I mustered up the courage to slowly lifted my head to assess my danger level.  In the dark, my eyes made out the even darker, large, open mouth of the attic which seemed to open wider the longer I stared at it.  I dared not to blink.  I was frozen in horrified anticipation for my monsters gnarled, slimy hand topped with sharp, jagged nails to wrap around the door frame so it could pull its over-sized, hunched-backed monster body out of its dungeon.  The suspense was killing me, the monster was taking so long that I thought, maybe, I missed him!  Maybe he's ALREADY out and is stealthily, slithering on the bedroom floor making his way to me!  Well, in that case...................."MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!"  My voice penetrated the darkness like an alarm, making my heart pound even faster at the sudden realization that I've given given away my position to the monster that was undoubtedly making its way to me! My screams for my mom became louder and closer together until finally, my monster busting mom arrived, flipping my bedroom light on, filling my room with life saving light!

Most of us no longer struggle with fears of childhood monsters.  The monsters we fear are the ones we sinfully created ourselves.  Two of my nastiest monsters are viciously armed with forked tongues and dagger like tails; the monsters of jealousy and anger.  Skillet, a favorite christian rock band of mine, describes well how it feels to harbor monsters of sin:

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

Songwriters: Brown, Gavin; Cooper, John Landrum;("Monster", by Skillet)

On our own, the monsters we create, cannot be controlled or defeated.  They will, in real life as well as in Skillet's song, tear us up and break us down.  As a child, I didn't wait to ask the question "Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?" I knew there was one person who could make it all better and all go away...I made a loud, persistent cry for my mom!  My adult monsters should be treated no differently.  A cry to my Savior is all that is needed for Him to come repel the darkness and shine His light (I John 1:5)!  With my monsters illuminated for Jesus to see, we can now fix my "attic" door and put the proper hardware back on; the hinges of unceasing prayer (I Thessalonians 5:17 ) and a shiny, new door knob bearing a strong lock of proper thoughts (Philippians 4:8); making monster reentry a little more difficult!

As Jesus and I battle my grown up monsters, my childhood attic monster still needs some help.  Kris has taken over Mom's job of coming to my rescue with the light and as a precaution, I still sleep with my blankets tucked tightly under my chin.... just in case that monster of my attic decides to finally show up!

Battling with the "WHY?!'s"

"Why?!"

In a state of shock, I stared at the blank computer screen. "WHY did God just allow that to happen?!" I wasn't expecting anyone to answer. I really didn't want anyone, too. I mean, there was absolutely NOTHING anyone could say that could soften the blow of the fate I sentenced my story. All I could think of was all my hard work and all the hours I spent....now wasted. The words, sentences and paragraphs of precious, yet painful memories, that I had poured all my heart and soul into.....were gone forever. With one, swift, fatal keystroke and a push of the backspace button, I sent my story off to its eternal grave in cyberspace. My mind was blank; blank and empty like the mocking, newly white blog page that eerily stared back at me. "Why?!" I whined......louder this time; wanting no one else but God himself to give me a personal,verbal answer. From behind me, I got my answer. "Maybe He wants you to do it better." My body felt the sting and weight of words that I felt but didn't audibly hear. Stupid, klutzy, worthless..... can't......can't......can't. I looked to my wise 13 year old son. "How can I write it AGAIN? I can't...." It was then, through my storm of disappointment, heartbreak, and doubt, my heart heard His voice......"YOU can't......but I can......"

When an advertising sign displaying the newest DVD went up in the entrance of Walmart bearing an animated lion and its cub.....I gasped and clapped my hands like the little kid I truly am! The kids and I were biting at the bit until the day we could own one of our favorite Disney movies on disc so we could at last retire our old, worn out 16 year old VHS version. This was my daughters first Disney movie. She was a sweet, adorable, stubby, two year old when we first bought "The Lion King" and I can still hear our VCRs mechanical whirling noise as the movie would rewind over and over again. My princess girl loved her "King"; her affectionate nickname for both the movie and the stuffed Simba she got for her birthday. All lions to her were "King" and a visit to the zoo one summer brought her pointing and wiggling excitedly in her stroller when we came to the lion enclosure. "King! King! King!" she'd shout, pointing and looking back at her dad and I, amazed at the huge, life-sized version of Simba. A beautiful lion with a gorgeous, full, shaggy mane walked right up to the glass, as if to personally greet his biggest fan....a breathtaking sight.......awing me and thrilling my daughter! I didn't know it at the time...but God had special plans for our family and valuable lessons for me to learn...and "King" was to be part of it.

Best friends and an inseperable duo!

Why?!......digging deep........

As a young mom in my twenties, my little family consisted of my husband and I and our long awaited baby girl. The Lord made us wait for two years before having our little princess girl. For me, it felt like two long years of war; battles that consisted of crying, pleading, deal making and praying flat on my face in front of my Savior. Babies seemed to be everywhere....except where I felt one needed to be.....in my arms. This was the beginning of my wrestling's with the "Why?!'s" I felt in my young life I had paid my dues in the pain and suffering category and I was entitled to a ticket on the "Easy Train". I felt what I wanted, I deserved, so when I thought the Lord was resounding a loud "NO" to fulfilling my desire for a baby, I kicked and screamed in rebellion. I never was (and still am!) one to accept the "no" word. "Where there's a will...there's a way" and, as my husband will attest to, I have a pretty strong will! My will had to be broken, and it had to be changed to His will. It sure wasn't easy....and it didn't help I was a stubborn mule kicking violently the whole way! The Lord saw my struggle and introduced me to a woman at church through our pastor who knew exactly what I was feeling and what I was going through. Even though we were separated by time, and I could only see her through God's written word, she became a good friend to me. I cried with her as I read her story of struggle, faith and triumph. We shared the same pain and it amazed me that though thousands of years separated us....Hannah and I...... we were the same. It encouraged me as I spent time with her to discover that the Lord heard her cry. He gave my bible friend not only the desire of her heart, a child, but He also went above and beyond and blessed her with more! Years later, I now see the Lord chose to close my womb to prepare me for a life time of being stretched and pulled to mold me to be the woman He desires me to be. I never received my ticket for the "Easy Train" but, I did receive the desire of my heart, my sweet, baby girl, Kelsey.

Why?!.......digging deeper.....

Crying, I held my screaming and thrashing 2 year old daughter in the air, "What is WRONG with you?!?!?!" I was just about to angrily shake her, when the nurse walked in. Startling me.... being caught in the act of doing the unthinkable and startling her....locking eyes with a wild-eyed crazy woman at her brink. We stood in uncomfortable silence for a few moments both realizing she had just saved my daughter from my anger and frustration and saved myself from a lifetime of regret. Over the yelling and screaming the nurse
suggested bringing in a TV and VCR. Trying to compose myself and feeling like a beaten, submissive dog, I nodded an ok. She returned a short while later with the TV and VCR on a cart, and two movies in hand....."Beauty and the Beast" and "Lion King". As the nurse

plugged in the TV for us, I adjusted the blanket around my daughters naked, squirming body. I wished I could put something warmer on her. Wearing only a diaper and an I.V. drip, I bundled her as best as I could and laid with her on the fold out chair I made into a bed for us. The nurse put in the first movie and as the familiar music played, I could feel my daughters body begin to slowly relax. Her swollen, red, tear-streaked face looked up to meet mine. I noticed her glassy, bloodshot eyes as she smiled a crooked smile. Clumsily, she lifted her unsteady, chubby arm and with a shaky finger, tried to point to the t.v screen. My heart shattered into a million pieces as my most prized possession, the desire of my heart, attempted to say her friends name, "King" and all that came out was a slurred mumble...........                                                                                                     

                                                                                                                

Why?!.....The struggle.........

One morning, out of the blue, my daughter was riddled with seizures. In the hospital, she went from a drooling, limp, doll to a raging she hulk when the nurse administered Dilatin, a strong anti-seizure medication. Her violent reaction scared us and loudly proclaimed that either she was overdosed or was experiencing a severe reaction. "WHY?!" screamed loudly in my head as the doctors explained their findings, a seizure disorder. I was filled with anger and disgust as healthy children giggled and ran past our door in the hospital hallway. As we took our baby girl home, not being able to talk, walk or sit up on her own, clueless as to whether it were temporary or permanent, the "WHY?!'s" plagued my soul. I had forgotten God's grace and the journey I had traveled just a few short years before. Now, like those forgetful children of Israel, I was consumed with "me" and forgot to trust my Savior and His plan. Part of me was still waiting for that "Easy Train" and that privileged seat on board complete with a life time boarding pass! To have to go through painful and uncomfortable things just seemed......so unfair!


Why?! What the Bible says......


During those times of "Why?!", I pictured God, arms crossed, looking down on me in disappointment and frustration......punishing me! Wasn't I a good girl? Shouldn't being "good" be rewarded, not punished? Isaiah 64:6 says, "But we are as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags...." and I John 1:8 calls me out by saying "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves.." Digging deeper, I find comfort in Romans 8-28 & 29 and it promises that all things work together for good. All encompasses everything; the good, the bad and the ugly. My picture of with God standing up in heaven with His arms folded and looking down on me with this stern, emotionless face, couldn't be farther from the truth. I found my favorite childhood verse paints a more truthful picture focusing on the first three words...."For God so loved" and John 11:35 & 36 can be summed up into two powerful words, "Jesus wept". When we are going through tough times, Jesus weeps with us. It pains Him to see His children suffering, but through painful and uncomfortable situations, comes faith, strength and growth changing us from what my mother-in-law likes to say....."From a weak, little Weeping Willow to a big, strong tree!"

Why?!.... What the Lord showed me.........

The Lord uses difficult times to mold, shape and grow us. He is ever present...even in the midst of the storm! As He shined the spotlight into the dark areas of my memory, beautiful, little miracles sparkled and glimmered like diamonds in its glow! I wasn't abandoned and alone in the hospital. Sending the nurse, at just the right, precise time, saving me from a life time of regret, was by my Saviours hand. Making sure my daughter's favorite movie was there, a miracle to behold, a gift from the King. Cradled in the arms of her Abba Father, my sick little girl was comforted and soothed through Her Creator's touch and her favorite lion cub. Why the "WHY?! 's"? My deleted story and my son's quote comes to mind..."He wants you to do it better." He wants us to be big, strong trees!

Dedicated to the "desire of my heart"!  :)

To Love And Cherish

"No one cares about your birthday, Mom." My nephews words rung in my ears and felt like a dagger to my heart.

"What?!"  I stewed angrily.  My sister shared with me over the phone what one of her sons had said innocently, but honestly, to her.  "Well, dog-gone it, I care!" I felt hurt and upset at the thought of my baby sister's birthday going by without notice or care. I knew this was going to be a difficult day for her, and I had a choice to make.  Make the hour drive and deliver a gift or pick out something online and have it sent... and hope and pray it gets there in time!  I went with convenience, and my husband and I sat down in front of the computer and picked out a beautiful, fall inspired bouquet of dark pink, orange and green flowers in a glass vase and a cute little birthday balloon.  We signed the online card with all of our names, pushed the send button and felt satisfied this would help make her day a special one. 

My fears came true when my sister called, on her special day, to announce nothing came.  Nothing.... meaning from us....or from anyone else in her home.  Frustrated and annoyed, I made a B-line for the laptop and immediately sent an email to the company that we ordered the flowers from that promised 24 hour shipping.  My kids stood by and listened to me vent not only about the incompetence of this online company and their broken promise but also about the insensitivity of the males in her household. Good grief!  My sister makes sure their birthdays are made special....so why shouldn't her day be any different?  While I typed out my frustrations on the keyboard, my daughter brought her little brothers upstairs and encouraged them to make their aunt a special birthday card.  It'd be a little late but her aunt needed to know she that was truly loved and cherished.

God's timing is always perfect.  Maybe He felt my sister would need these flowers more on another day....maybe He wanted my boys more involved then being just written in on a cybercard over the Internet and maybe....... the Lord felt they needed a fresh lesson in loving and cherishing.

Dad's, teach your sons.....

Loving and cherishing doesn't come naturally; sin has made us selfish creatures.  Paul teaches the importance of regarding others as more important than ourselves in Phil 2:3 and 4. Cherishing one another needs to be taught, practiced and as verse 5 goes on to say.....it needs to be kept in our minds and attitude. Fathers, have an important role to play. They can show their boys how to love and cherish their future wives through example in their own marriage.  Ephesians 5:25 claims that this is the marital responsibility of the husband to give sacrificially to his wife.  As Jesus sacrificed himself for us, there should be no sacrifice that a husband should not be willing to make for his wife (King James Bible study notes).   A sweet kiss in front of the kids, holding hands with her in the store, jumping in to help with the dishes, making a big deal over birthdays and Mother's Day.....all ways to show our boys how to love and cherish.

Mom's, teach your sons.....

My boys answer me with a "Yes, Mom" after being asked to do a task.  Not to fulfill my lifelong dream of being a drill sergeant but I want to show them that through their obedience and acknowledgement of me being their mother...a) not only is it respectful but b) it's also a way that they show that they love and cherish me through their compliance.  Opening and holding the door for me, their big sister, grandmas, aunts and women in general, is training them....to love and cherish.  Helping me to bring in the groceries, laundry from the line or other manual tasks....all training ground for loving and cherishing. Thank you cards, birthday cards, Mother's Day cards..........simple, but thoughtful ways to get boys involved and practicing for the day when they have a wife of their own, when loving and cherishing will continue on for another generation.

As I tucked the kids' cards in an envelope to send to their aunt, I noticed my sons card.  It had a verse written on it along with the happy birthday wishes.  When I asked him what made him choose that certain verse, he told me it was special to him and he found it when he was scared one night. Tears sprang to my eyes at his verse choice;  a verse on comfort.  He wanted to comfort his aunt knowing how sad, disappointed and downhearted she must feel about her forgotten birthday.  A valuable lesson learned in loving and cherishing.

I don't know when my sisters flowers will make it there. It hurts to know I failed her. But what I do know and what I cling to is that the Lord has other plans....better plans.... and they will arrive when He feels they need to.  His plans are different then ours (Isaiah 55:8)) and even though I love my little sister tremendously......He loves her more!  Through the pain of a birthday lost and forgotten, beauty arises from the ashes......lessons are learned afresh in the importance of loving and cherishing....a beautiful lesson from Home!